


The things Keith knows

by thebottomoftheocean



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Atheism, Drabble Collection, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Incoherent, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Just Keith's thoughts, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Only in the final chapter, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Stream of Consciousness, apotheosis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:01:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28680048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebottomoftheocean/pseuds/thebottomoftheocean
Summary: hell is empty and all the devils are here so who’s in heavenexistence is sufferingknowledge is the cursedesire is the cursewant is the cursei am a devil too I am He Who Makes You Suffer for you desire me and you are tethered to me and it is a curse and you shall never forget you shall never unknowhere in new hell i am condemned to love you forever and ever and ever amenKeith considers his life as an atheist in love with someone who places their faith in something he'll never comprehend.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. monologue one

**Author's Note:**

> I'm super nervous to be posting here! This was supposed to be a part of a much longer fic, but I'm not quite ready to post that yet.  
> Recently I started writing these internal monologues, and it has been a good way of processing what's in my mind and just allowing it to slow down sometimes. Here, Keith is dealing with learning Lance's love language, and trying to reconcile his feelings towards religion with Lance's beliefs.

_if i could change how long one second is_

_make it longer_

_last for longer and i can’t last as long as He does_

_if He said that He shows love through acts of service and sex is an act of service then does He love me is He in love with me what does sex mean to Him what does my sex mean to Him am i beautiful He decides that and He says_

_we are one and we are one we are one we are one_

_Keith_

_names don’t make sense by themselves but Lance said that He shows love through service and that’s why Jesus dies and that’s what Lance believes but why does He believe that there is love there isn’t love which we don’t create because we are real God isn’t benevolent and if They were then we would know it and it would be obvious because benevolence can’t hide like God does all the time_

_if we make love then we are God because Lance loves God for creating love and giving us love but we make love and it’s an act of service and this is how Lance shows me that He loves me and He is God because He has love and He Who Made Love Is God so We must be God_

_why does Lance believe in nothing is religion nihilism or delusion it’s nihilism because if God doesn’t exist then God is nothing and Lance believes in nothing but me_

_He knows me and He says_

_we are one we_

_when i am inside of Him i am showing him love if He is showing me love by taking me and We are one no i am accepting his love all the time and everyday not everyday does He love me when i am not inside Him because love is service_

_i provide_

_i am alive when i am inside but He says make it last longer a good thing never lasts but make it last longer and forever because God is forever and we make love so We are one my soul_

_i can make it longer i swear i just don’t know how when we are one_

_so if i take a second_

_What_

_if i took a second and made it longer_

_i would be no older than i am now_


	2. monologue two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _My church offers no absolutes  
>  She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom"  
> The only Heaven I'll be sent to  
> Is when I'm alone with you  
> I was born sick, but I love it  
> Command me to be well  
> Amen_
> 
> Keith wonders about the consequences of knowledge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These internal monologues don't make sense for this ship at all, so pretend that Keith’s in the quantum abyss thinking these thoughts

_irreversible_

_time flows in one direction and we divide it into ticks and they go on and on and on and on and on but never backwards never sideways always onward_

_press onward keep pressing_

_my skin please don’t stop not sideways there_

_stop there_

_we cannot unknow we cannot unfeel it keeps ticking and fading feelings fade as time creates time kills too but not knowledge we cannot unknow these things we know_

_He wants to unknow but He cannot_

_why can’t God be unknown He tries so hard He meditates He thinks He feels His body from inside out but God is there even when He doesn’t want Them to be He cannot stop feeling seeing knowing_

_He sees and feels and knows and i do not_

_i cannot_

_where is God for me Lance doesn’t want Them i am yet to know Them_

_knocking on Their door but They won’t open i must concede but i cannot stop He doesn’t want me to stop keep pressing right there oh God Keith_

_God Keith_

_Good God Keith_

_God is in our bed right here can’t you feel i don’t feel i do not know how do i know what is real and what i pretend is real for air has no substance but it is there i cannot feel it in my lungs but it keeps me alive_

_breathe Keith why aren’t you breathing_

_i cannot breathe in the instant We are One but He moves and i find myself again maybe then i can see what He wants to unsee a hidden truth a hidden God_

_will we ever unknow each other even when we want to but our minds and bodies cannot unlearn how to live how to breathe therefore we will never not know for we became one and will forever be one_

_forever and ever amen He says to a God He wants to unknow why are you praying_

_i can’t sleep_

_neither_

_how does it go_

_our father_

_i don’t have a father i have nothing but our oneness which cannot be undone by time not yet too many more ticks to pass until time makes Him fade too_

_listen_

_our father who art in heaven not hell heaven hell is empty and all the devils are here then who’s in heaven_

_our father and now you know and you cannot unknow that is why They hide They do not need to be here to be known_

_if i cannot unknow how do i forget_

_that’s not how it works_

_existence is suffering and knowledge is the curse desire is the curse want is the curse i am a devil too I am He who makes you suffer for you desire me and you are tethered to me and it is a curse and you shall never forget you shall never unknow_

_here in new hell i am condemned to love you forever and ever and ever amen_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this pandemic ever make you feel like you're in limbo?


	3. monologue three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it a blessing to have something so good that you live in the perpetual fear of losing it?

_oh it hurts_

_maybe it hurts so much that i can’t feel it anymore and it’s just tired hurting is tired of me she says how much of me can one poor boy take too much all of you i can take all of you not in one go it’ll hurt too much but go slowly and pain changes into_

_i’ll ease into the pain_

_then make it faster yes it burns still but go faster anyway see it hurts but this is euphoria pain is supposed to be this pain is not pleasure’s shadowed twin they are synonymous_

_synonymous_

_one_

_move as one_

_payment hurting is the payment of course where we create pleasure we must create pain elsewhere but what if i cheated at the game and did both at the same time but oh you receive keep receiving not all in one go i can take it all you receive the pain and pay me your pleasure_

_we are one what is yours is mine we cheated we escaped pain but didn’t we escape pleasure too no we evaded the rules_

_not quite i still hurt_

_does He make it better of course He sweetens and soothes and receives good boy take it all take all my pain we can share but now i need it to be your turn to carry our burden of course i must take it back it is an exchange one body we are one body_

_yes this is euphoria the one body this is how to reach paradise we share in the burden carry the cross the length of His back is the road to calvary it makes sense now Jesus was right love is service we succeeded oh Lance i stumbled on the road once twice thrice i can stand no it isn’t pain it is better than pain i exist to love you and existence is suffering you were right they are synonymous as we are you were right we are one body one soul partaking of the same blessing of life you were right you remain here with me after we die even when we are not one we are still one there is no fallacy you are right_

_stop_

_right there_

_it doesn’t hurt right there it feels good too good no you don’t hurt me you can’t hurt me remember i was right_

_now move_

_oh glorious morning when i find the place where it doesn’t hurt where death loses her sting when hurt loses her bite because morning has broken we surface better and stronger than our individual selves don’t you see Keith_

_i can only see_

_senses lie but i love what i see and feel and hear and smell and taste_

_it tastes strange you’ll get used to it just as i have_

_senses lie but i need them to keep lying to me with promises of the most beautiful truths i need them to keep telling me that my pleasure is pain and hurting is just numbness when it works well enough_

_keep drinking then_

_and God is here with us but i will never know Them my senses cannot confirm this but they needn’t because they tell me They aren’t here so They must be here with us oh glorious day Lance you were right and what else we are one and that irrefutable truth doesn’t need the senses_

_hurting isn’t negative if He is light and i am the dark and i take it all all of our hurt then two negatives make a positive He was right_

_my darling i am always right here with you do you feel the flaking scratches on your back as you move the subtle ache of you joints the adrenaline fuelling you through your days making them hazy because you do not sleep enough my love that is me_

_and does living like this hurt_

_discomfort is not hurt it is merely discomfort we are predisposed to be uncomfortable it is what makes things like Him that much better it is why i would rather hurt than be in discomfort_

_i do not seek mere discomfort i seek something which makes the pleasure worth this or else it means nothing but the slight itch on my back and the ache of my joints it means nothing but the inevitability of growing old_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not be having an existential crisis which I've decided to share online through this writing. I hope you enjoyed this anyway


	4. monologue four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is one thing which can bridge the gap between that which Keith knows to be true and that which Lance believes to be true.

_you ask me how i am i’ll answer you as honestly as my comprehension of my feelings will allow and i am_ _so completely dishonest and He says_

_thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour against me_

_but i do not lie all the time God speaks of false witness yet we have become witness to the falsehood of Their love_

_They destroyed cities_

_love doesn't destroy cities it builds them_

_you say love is not easily angered and love keeps no record of wrongs_

_you say love always protects always trusts always hopes always perseveres but God is Love and Sodom perished in sulfur and fire by Their hand just as we will so what is the meaning of truth when it doesn't apply to your God_

_how can one tell the truth when one doesn’t know what truth is for there is only one truth He knows this but still we engage in conversation as if we know anything else to be true_

_we speak as if we know and we can’t even understand if we’re alright what does alright mean_

_if God's love means destruction and we find life in death an oxymoron Lance then what could alright possibly mean_

_in the land of forms in the perfect world where Beauty and Truth came from where He came from and will return to being alright is simply being and bathing in the light and purity of existence what a beautiful image which can’t be seen or imagined_

_we will not know and we ought to stop pretending that we will because one cannot know if one is okay unless one knows what that means and one cannot know if one is okay unless one understand what it’s like to be_

_okay do any of us know what it is to be just fine because being happy is a mirage which vanishes and it’s a beautiful lie it’s masque it’s a spectacle of lights and feelings obscuring the reality of our lives because happiness costs too damn much_

_but it’s worth it i am a poor man i give too much to the cause of fleeing pleasures so yes i_ _give all of myself to you and i will never stop_

_our oneness is not a fleeting thing Lance it doesn’t stop when i withdraw it never stops it is only strengthened in that moment when we are physically joined but what about emotionally and spiritually when we breathe as one when our hearts beat as one that cosmic power oneness is just as potent you see it transcends happiness because_

_we do not chase oneness it is an irrefutable truth you know this_

_we did not create oneness it is as uncontrollable and unprecedented as it is wonderful you know this_

_there are no commandments by which we live there is only this truth this knowledge the only thing we will ever need to know a noble truth_

_oneness must be different to love because_

_i do not know and cannot explain i haven’t known love to be a wonderful thing but this is better trust me i will convince you with rhetoric from a mouth and a mind which knows nothing but one truth and the rest will forever be temporary truths fleeting ideas and images so you see why my conviction must be true_

_oneness is eternal it precedes us in the same way it will be our successor_

_just like your God Lance_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Readers and feedback are honestly a gift, as is the fact that I finally finished my exams.
> 
> It's also my birthday! This year, I want to celebrate knowing that I have endless potential, and always having time to learn things and to make mistakes, which are truly the best lessons, because the learning never stops!  
> Look after yourselves, and be patient and kind to yourselves and others :))


	5. monologue five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final monologue
> 
> I once said that, in a world where Keith and Lance were like you and I, Lance would still loveable despite his imperfections, and that Keith would simply be beautiful.
> 
> Lance's being loveable isn't in spite of his imperfections, insecurities, and demons, but rather because of his navigation of those things. He survives a lot more than he's given credit for. 
> 
> As for Keith, I imagined that he would have a beautiful mind, like yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for references to self-harm
> 
> Just for a heads up: I'm not trying to romanticise self-harm. If this chapter comes off that way, please let me know so that I can take it down or edit it. 
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you enjoy this final chapter!

_why does He thank me for the marks i leave upon Him_

_slightly yellowing flesh where my fingers once were and scratches and the small purple bites décor on His skin_

_not décor abominations imperfections and blemishes the plague He is cursed with boils upon His skin yes God punishes with promises of pain and the perversion of beauty but not His no He lauds these markings worships the ground upon which my love walks His own skin_

_He thanks me for them for these gifts but why_

_He had trypophobia long before His own teeth left indentations in His arms_

_but my markings are borne of love and joy that one on His neck conceived when we were one and that one on His thigh_

_Lance the anointed one He is anointed by me my hands and lips with kindness and gentleness there is no need to fear these old things they know you inside and out by now_

_my markings are all yours my love touch it it is yours_

_all good things come from our oneness they could never solely belong to me for nothing can come from nothing and i am weightless without Him there is no such thing as weight or substance in my being yet i must have a place when i am i and not We but why can’t i find it_

_what does it mean when i consider an existence without the We without our oneness and i can feel nothing_

_i can feel it the nothingness it’s the moment after you say amen and open your eyes Lance it’s the hopelessness and emptiness because you call into the emptiness and nothing responds_

_call to me instead_

_don’t hide your voice from me say my name_

_Keith_

_don’t hide your arms from me show yourself to me give yourself to me_

_and say it again_

_Keith_

_maybe you’ll find it someday and when you do tell me and i’ll say amen with you i’ll confirm that what you believe is true with one word spoken from the lips of a non-believer_

_and when you know that your God’s love is true as true as mine is perhaps you will love yourself too_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this! 
> 
> It's a difficult thing to approach conversations regarding body image, and this particular issue is quite prevalent to me. 
> 
> Honestly, exposing any part of yourself with which you have difficulty accepted or confronting to anyone else an be hugely daunting, especially if it's too a loved one. These monologues, as well as many other things, were about Keith 'learning' Lance. It's a whole process, but he'll get through it. I guess, in a good relationship, you don't really stop learning. 
> 
> Anyhow, I hope you're looking after yourselves. Remember to be kind to yourself, and to others. It goes a really long way.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've gotten to the end, thank you so much for reading this! If you want to leave a comment, ask a question or just chat, I would love to respond :)  
> Look after yourselves during this time. I would strongly recommend writing as an outlet. It doesn't have to be structured in any way - although writing a fic works well, a journal or even just a random stream of consciousness like this one is just as valid.


End file.
